I was born
in a log cabin that I helped my father build! We were so far back in the woods
we didn’t receive the Grand Ole Opry until Tuesday night on a large battery
powered radio! We didn’t have electricity then. Coal oil lamps, wood cook
stoves, and gasoline at 20 cents per gallon. The gas prices made no difference
to us—we never owned a car. Some fellow named Jerry told us that if God had
intended for folks to drive, we would all be born with a parking space! It is
hardly a stretch to say I was raised on Retro.
When I was
in the third grade, the Statute of Liberty was still a little girl. Years
later, I started a military career and the crossbow was still a Secret weapon!
I often joked with my barracks buddies about getting a letter from home in
which Mom said they had a fire in the bathroom, but fortunately, it didn’t
spread to the house! I sure hated those cold winter nights to visit a Sears and
Roebuck catalog.
We were very,
very poor; we couldn’t afford a traditional pet. As a result, my father
captured a tumble weed for us. We named her Windy because every time the wind
would pick up she would run away from home!
The wind
really blew hard on our little hillside rocky farm. Two summers ago it blew so
hard that one of our laying hens laid the same egg twice!
My father
deeply regretted he could not buy a large display of fireworks for the 4th
of July. Instead, he bought a single hand held sparkler and we took turns
running around in the yard. He often said that one year he was going to light
it!
Yes, we were
poor. In fact, I was adopted by an Oriental family. Every two weeks I would get
a shipment of fish heads and rice. Our rural mail postman said he didn’t have
to read the address label---he just knew the smell meant Glenn’s Care Package
was in his Jeep.
Since the school
busses were afraid to travel our roads, I road behind ‘Old Rivers’, I called
him “OR”, on his mule to high school. I believe the mule was named “Midnight.” OR was
such a poor student, we were in the same class. He was a better VOAG student
than me; however, I was a better basketball player. In fact, one Friday night,
I went 18 for 23----got the ball 23 times and shot it 18 times---nobody kept
any records on how many went into the basket!
OR and I
were really close friends; he would often loan me Midnight so I could go spark
Sally Olsen, who lived up Graham Creek. She was pretty; however, her folks
never had enough money to fix her buck teeth. Her teeth were so misaligned; she
could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence! When we broke up, I now
regret saying some hurtful things, “Sally, with winter coming on, I would like
to know, do you sleep with your buck teeth outside or under the covers?” Doctor
Green said I would be up and around in about three months. He was wrong, it took 6 months.
Back to OR,
Mom said in her last letter, “You know Old Rivers died?” Seems he was picking
cotton in 110 degree heat and some guy named Ernie, she thought he was from
Tennessee, gave him a 20 dollar bill if he could use his “Cotton Picker” handle
in his next TV show. (Mom said his agent told him to change the “cotton” to
“pea” and I guess the rest is history.)The heat didn’t kill OR; rather, it was
the shock of seeing his first 20 dollar bill that stopped his heart!
My brother
and sister were not as lucky as me. They received camel jerky from a Middle
Eastern relief agency. They said it tasted terrible, but they only needed a
drink of water every two weeks!
Imagine my
shock when I went to Purdue University and discovered 7-UP was not green. The
first time I heard the Tulane University fight song---Roll on Green Wave I thought it was a deodorant commercial.
Our cousin
Wilford is the real smart one in our family. He told us the movie Men
in Black was a documentary. I am sure he ought to know because he said
he had graduated from the Bar, Magna Come Loaded.
The first
time I booked an airline flight over the phone the travel agent asked, “Are you
FLYING Round Trip?”
I said, “No way, I am going there and coming right back!”
We recently
had a mice invasion and I located an “Econo
Exterminator” in the Yellow Pages. Promises of cheap prices and fast
service closed the deal. The next day a high school guy comes up the driveway
on a bicycle with a ball peen hammer in one hand and a paper sack in the other!
I guess the old “get what you pay for” cliche is true for exterminators as
well.
That’s my
brief biography: I am very naive to this day. But like our favorite Oklahoma son---Will
Rogers said, “I had rather be the man that bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the
man who sold it.”
Glenn ,
Shawnee, OK <><
Just West of
Yesterday
