HUSBANDS, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME !!!!!!!! V. 2.0

V. 2.0 CONTAINS AN EXPANDED ENDING

           Husbands, Don't Try This At Home

He told the police the last thing he remembers at his house was his wife's shrill voice screaming," SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!"

The first thing he recalls in the ER was the Johnny Walker Red marinated voice of a female nurse who said in a professional monotone, "We're losing him." A thirty something doctor yelled, "Stand back!"

In an increasingly impatient voice, Detective Benson said, "That's really nice to know information but I want to know who hung that mouse on your left eye, split your bottom lip from end zone to end zone, broke your right arm in two places, and smashed your left knee with a blunt object?"

"That's a fair question. Here's the whole story."

"It's six o'clock right now. I want to get home tonight before the 11pm news and watch a big drug bust I was involved in early this morning. Make it short and sweet. OK?"

"The wife and I had been arguing about how her cousins trashed out my garage last Christmas and how many tools they stole."

"Alright already. Speed it up man."

"Well, after a while the heat went out of the argument and she scooted her breakfast chair over beside mine and started gently flipping me on the ear lobes."

"Will you wake me up when you get to the hitting part ?" 

"This is important detective. It really is."

"I don't believe you, but drag, I mean, go on."

She whispers in my ear, "Honey, this is just like going to school." 

"I know I will regret this, but please continue."

"I said, probably reminds you of your girl's reform school. It hit the fan. I mean it hit the fan!"

"Maybe this three hour thriller is getting somewhere."

"She never cooks breakfast and we always have donuts. You cops like donuts don't you?"

"Go on"

"Picks up a donut and holds it a couple inches from my left eye and before I can react, she uses it like a target and jabs me in the eye through the donut hole. My hands in auto reflex mode cover my bleeding eye and she uses my uplifted arms like goal posts and slings her coffee saucer that squarely hits my bottom lip like a 25 yard field goal.

"Then?"

"I grab for my napkin with my right arm and she uses two rapid, back-to-back, judo chops and breaks arm in two places."

"What about the left knee?"

"She then grabs the handle of an unused 7" skillet and goes to work on my left knee Chicago style."

"Is that it?"

"Isn't that enough?"

" Sign the compliant here and I'll let you get back to sleep or read your free hospital newspaper."

As he reaches to pickup the pen, the door to his private hospital bathroom suddenly bursts open. Out walks his 6'-2" wife who is pounding her
wallet size handbag into her left hand and says, "You don't want to sign anything do you sweetheart?"

"No....No..... I don't want to sign anything."

Detective Benson tries in vain to convince the trembling husband to sign the compliant. No luck.

The Amazon-like wife smirks at Benson as he departs the room and says, "Come over and have donuts with us any morning."

Benson looks at his watch and picks up his step as he nears the elevator. As the elevator door starts to close he hears the screams of the battered husband and the sickening laughter of the wife.

Detective Benson quickly radios dispatch he is off duty and headed home for the evening. He smiles to himself as he turns his radio off.

To quote Sonny and Cher, "The beat goes on."

--------Glenn <><