THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION
Uncle Walter
“GK” (Grassy Knoll) Givens was not your typical atypical crazy uncle that seems
to be standard issue for each American family. No sir! Uncle Walter came to
earth from his own alternate universe. Sadly, he spent much of his life
attempting to find the worm hole portal through which he must have transited
enroute to a troubled sphere called Earth.
Older family
members summarily dismissed the Star Trek explanation for his bizarre behavior;
instead, they point to a head first fall from Miss Carrie Sutton’s prize apple
tree when Walter was six years old. He was in a coma for nine days and when he
awoke he told of a fantastic voyage from somewhere in the night sky to Earth.
He, and the people that knew him, was never the same.
At age 12 he
created a firestorm by writing a letter to the editor of the local newspaper by
stating there was a huge conspiracy between Santa, the Tooth Fair, and the
Easter Bunny and the seven dentists in his town. Later, at age 16 he accused
the TV and radio weathermen of getting a kickback from area grocery stores each
time snow or other bad weather was forecast. To prove his point he went from
grocery store parking lot to grocery store parking lot counting cars after a
forecast of bad weather. He stated there was an almost 100 percent correlation.
As he grew
older his conspiracy theories grow bolder. He believed in December, 1963 the
JFK assassination involved a second shooter on the grassy knoll.
Much of what
he learned about conspiracies he picked up from the late night “Coast to Coast
AM” radio broadcast. He slept until 11am most days.
A year after
the tragedy in Dallas, when ZIP codes were implemented, he knew the codes were
a sneaky communist plot to sub-divide the United States into easy to rule cells
after the USSR defeated the USA in a threatened preemptive nuclear strike.
In addition
to conspiracy theories, he made several “outside the box” deductions. One was
to reduce the school dropout age to 14 from the present 16. His reasoning went
like this: When a student drops out of school at 16 they realize their mistake
later but are too embarrassed to return to school at 18 or 19. Therefore, if
they drop out sooner they will be more likely to come back to school later!
School dropouts
were of major concern to Uncle “GK”. He read a study that said many boys left
school early to work full time so they could keep a car on the road. Well, why
not have the government subsidize teen car owners to keep them in school? He
said it could be called Medi CAR!
Since UFO’s,
Greens, and Greys, are real we need to start communicating with them. But how?
Uncle “GK” figured the only universal constant is the mathematical concept of
Pi. He convinced a couple of dozen true believers to join him on a hilltop
outside of town to use their car headlights to flash “3.14” in International
Morse code for two hours each night for a week. No answer ever came. It appears
he had not thought this through too well---why would an advanced civilization know
or even care about the International Morse code?
Of course
the moon landing was faked, Elvis was alive and owned a Krispy Kreme donut
store in Detroit, and alchemy was a subject that should be taught in every high
school and college.
He believed
the government was keeping secret the radio power transmission experiments of Nikola
Tsela to protect big oil and the electric industry. He made a feeble attempt to
duplicate the experiments and only succeeded in knocking out power to all the
homes in three blocks around his old two story home.
One of his
prize projects was trying to develop a biodegradable bubble gum. He field
tested his work in most of the parking lots in town. All of the bubble gum
remained as planted. The only outcome was four letter words from men and women
walking to and from their cars in the parking lots.
At one
family reunion he brought a bologna covered cheese and macaroni casserole.
Strangely enough the kids loved it. No adult would try it.
His best suit of clothes was a ‘70s lime green
leisure suit. He always wore the suit to weddings, funerals, and when he was
called for jury duty. He was called three times but didn’t survive the first
round.
This poster
man for crazy uncles never married. He had one date while in high school. Late
at night, almost every night, he thought of the girl of his one night date and
wondered if she had married, had children, grand kids and whether she was happy.
He hoped she was as happy as he was. His only regret in life was that he had
never kissed any female but his departed mother. This nightly fleeting thought
was always quickly replaced by his current project or an idea that no one had
ever thought about. Crazy Uncle “GK” slept the sound sleep of a happy man and
looked forward to each new day.
Glenn
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