GRAHAM CREEK SABER TOOTH
GROUNDHOG
Science Fiction
“There!....
There!..... There it is!” Fourteen year Phillip was hardly able to breathe as
he excitedly jabbed at the scratched screen of his iPhone. “I told you it was
real!”
Phillip’s
father remained silent for several seconds and then hit the speed dial button
on his own iPhone that almost immediately connected him to the County Sheriff’s
office. “My son has a photo I think you need to send someone out here to
examine. …..No, it’s not about a meth lab or dead person…… It looks like a
50-60 pound saber tooth groundhog…..No, I’ve not been drinking……Ok, we’ll wait
for a deputy sheriff to come out…..Thanks.”
When the
deputy arrived he exclaimed, “If this is the real deal we have a problem that
makes that Hollywood Jurassic Park look like a petting zoo.” The deputy took
Phillip’s report of exactly where on the banks of Graham Creek he had
encountered this strange creature. Phillip said he had seen the creature at
about the same place at least three times before today’s photo was taken.
The deputy
gave Phillip’s father an evidence receipt and took the iPhone containing the
photo back to the sheriff’s office. Furthermore, he advised Phillip and his
father not to discuss the situation with anyone. “Fear and rumor are kissin’
cousins,” according to the deputy.
Back at the
Sheriff’s office, the sheriff, who was a better candidate for late night cable
TV Comedy than a candidate for the ministry, sarcastically remarked, “I’d sure as @*%*
not want to meet that *%$#& dude without plenty of &*^#$@ backup!”
Both the
Indiana Department of Natural Resources and a multitude of federal agencies
demanded more proof before they would take the sheriff’s pleas for help
seriously.
In
desperation, the sheriff called the Indiana University zoology department who acknowledged
they had received a half dozen similar requests from citizens all along the
Graham Creek watershed. They politely stated they would contact Dr. Yoshi
Kumasi, Tokyo University, who was the world’s leading expert in the field of
cryptozoology. Professor Kumasi would be contacting the sheriff directly. (The sheriff was not told this was the
weekend of the IU-Purdue game and the entire campus was more concerned about
the final score than some snipe hunt on the Graham Creek.)
Three weeks
later the sheriff, county commissioner chairman, and a member of the
Japanese-Jennings County Friendship Society met Professor Kumasi at the
Indianapolis Airport. The sheriff had been practicing his greeting bow and hit
it for a perfect ten, but immediately relapsed into his off color language.
“Welcome to $#@* Indiana and we sure as &(%$# hope you solve this $#%%&
for us.” Professor Kumasi, who earned his doctorate at UCLA, said, “Sheriff, I
sure as $%#@^ do too.” After a big group laugh the sheriff forgot all about
international protocol and slapped the distinguished professor on the back and
said, “Doc, this is going to be the start of a beautiful ^%$&* friendship!”
The sheriff
and Professor Kumasi located the 41 motion-sensitive cameras used by the Tri-county
Drug Task Force along both sides of Graham Creek for about two miles from where
the saber tooth groundhog was photographed by Philip. After two weeks, 11
different saber tooth groundhogs were captured on the digital cameras. The cameras clearly revealed the four to eight inch long saber teeth to be green with yellow tips.
A juvenile
saber tooth groundhog was caught in a box trap constructed by a local 4-H Club
member. Professor Kumasi took multiple blood and hair samples for DNA analysis.
He had earlier collected samples from all of the soil and vegetation near the
creek. The young groundhog chewed through the orange crate which served as a makeshift
lab cage and made his silent escape.
With the
help of the now interested, and Nobel Prize-seeking zoology depart at IU,
Professor Kumasi concluded the saber tooth ground hogs were as result of a
dormant primeval recessive gene being activated by the large amounts of herbicides
and ammonia nitrate that flowed into the Graham Creek from adjacent corn fields.
The groundhogs also ate the immature corn ears, which quickly produced gene altering alcohol, and within two reproduction cycles, the
saber tooth groundhog resulted. He estimated the saber tooth groundhogs would
double in size every other reproduction cycle!
The sheriff
asked the professor what could be done to reverse the looming disaster.
Professor Kumasi said he would have to return to Tokyo and study the data and
return with a definitive plan of action.
Professor
Kumasi smiled, bowed and shook hands with each member of the Jennings County
send-off party at the Indianapolis Airport and proceeded to the security
screening area. As he put his shoes back on he thought to himself, “If those
@#$%^ Hoosiers think I am coming back to this $%#@ place they have another %$#@
idea coming. I’ve seen all of those %$#@^ Godzilla movies and I know how all of
this %$#% situation will end!”
---- Glenn
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