Monday, May 27, 2013

GRAHAM CREEK SABER TOOTH GROUNDHOG V.2.0


           GRAHAM CREEK SABER TOOTH GROUNDHOG
                                     Science Fiction

                               (VERSION 2.0 CONTAINS SOME ADDITIONAL INFORMATION)

“There!.... There!..... There it is!” Fourteen year Phillip was hardly able to breathe as he excitedly jabbed at the scratched screen of his iPhone. “I told you it was real!”

Phillip’s father remained silent for several seconds and then hit the speed dial button on his own iPhone that almost immediately connected him to the County Sheriff’s office. “My son has a photo I think you need to send someone out here to examine. …..No, it’s not about a meth lab or dead person…… It looks like a 50-60 pound saber tooth groundhog…..No, I’ve not been drinking……Ok, we’ll wait for a deputy sheriff to come out…..Thanks.”

When the deputy arrived he exclaimed, “If this is the real deal we have a problem that makes that Hollywood Jurassic Park look like a petting zoo.” The deputy took Phillip’s report of exactly where on the banks of Graham Creek he had encountered this strange creature. Phillip said he had seen the creature at about the same place at least three times before today’s photo was taken.

The deputy gave Phillip’s father an evidence receipt and took the iPhone containing the photo back to the sheriff’s office. Furthermore, he advised Phillip and his father not to discuss the situation with anyone. “Fear and rumor are kissin’ cousins,” according to the deputy.

Back at the Sheriff’s office, the sheriff, who was a better candidate for late night cable TV Comedy than a candidate for the ministry, sarcastically remarked, “I’d sure as @*%* not want to meet that *%$#&  dude without plenty of  &*^#$@  backup!”

Both the Indiana Department of Natural Resources and a multitude of federal agencies demanded more proof before they would take the sheriff’s pleas for help seriously.

In desperation, the sheriff called the Indiana University zoology department who acknowledged they had received  a half dozen similar requests from citizens all along the Graham Creek watershed. They politely stated they would contact Dr. Yoshi Kumasi, Tokyo University, who was the world’s leading expert in the field of cryptozoology. Professor Kumasi would be contacting the sheriff directly. (The sheriff was not told this was the weekend of the IU-Purdue game and the entire campus was more concerned about the final score than some snipe hunt on the Graham Creek.)

Three weeks later the sheriff, county commissioner chairman, and a member of the Japanese-Jennings County Friendship Society met Professor Kumasi at the Indianapolis Airport. The sheriff had been practicing his greeting bow and hit it for a perfect ten, but immediately relapsed into his off color language. “Welcome to $#@* Indiana and we sure as &(%$# hope you solve this $#%%& for us.” Professor Kumasi, who earned his doctorate at UCLA, said, “Sheriff, I sure as $%#@^ do too.” After a big group laugh the sheriff forgot all about international protocol and slapped the distinguished professor on the back and said, “Doc, this is going to be the start of a beautiful ^%$&* friendship!”

The sheriff and Professor Kumasi located the 41 motion-sensitive cameras used by the Tri-county Drug Task Force along both sides of Graham Creek for about two miles from where the saber tooth groundhog was photographed by Philip. After two weeks, 11 different saber tooth groundhogs were captured on the digital cameras. The cameras clearly revealed the four to eight inch long saber teeth to be green with yellow tips.

A juvenile saber tooth groundhog was caught in a box trap constructed by a local 4-H Club member. Professor Kumasi took multiple blood and hair samples for DNA analysis. He had earlier collected samples from all of the soil and vegetation near the creek. The young groundhog chewed through the orange crate which served as a makeshift lab cage and made his silent escape.

With the help of the now interested, and Nobel Prize-seeking zoology depart at IU, Professor Kumasi concluded the saber tooth ground hogs were as result of a dormant primeval recessive gene being activated by the large amounts of herbicides and ammonia nitrate that flowed into the Graham Creek from adjacent corn fields. The groundhogs also ate the immature corn ears, which quickly produced gene altering alcohol, and within two reproduction cycles, the saber tooth groundhog resulted. He estimated the saber tooth groundhogs would double in size every other reproduction cycle!

The sheriff asked the professor what could be done to reverse the looming disaster. Professor Kumasi said he would have to return to Tokyo and study the data and return with a definitive plan of action. 

Professor Kumasi smiled, bowed and shook hands with each member of the Jennings County send-off party at the Indianapolis Airport and proceeded to the security screening area. As he put his shoes back on he thought to himself, “If those @#$%^ Hoosiers think I am coming back to this $%#@  place they have another %$#@ idea coming. I’ve seen all of those %$#@^ Godzilla movies and I know how all of this %$#% situation will end!”
 
                                                            ---- Glenn 

 

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