Friday, August 15, 2014

PREPARE YOUR CHRISTMAS LETTER NOW V 2.0

I THINK I MENTIONED EARLIER THAT THE LONG CHRISTMAS LETTERS FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS DO NOT IMPRESS ME.

S-O-O-O-O I HAVE DRAFTED A LETTER TO SEND BACK:


Thank you for your 5-page Christmas newsletter. Glad 2014 was a good year for you.

 Unfortunately, my business adventures have not turned out very well. 

For example---I formed the first International Vertically Challenged Water Polo League and before the first quarter was over the whole league went under!

I responded to a handwritten ad on a Macon, GA all-night laundry mat bulletin board and purchased a race horse sight unseen. I drove all night to Lexington, KY and discovered the hay burner only had three legs. I should have suspected something was not right when I was on the phone and was told the nag was named Tripod.

My plan to race school buses on a Figure 8 track was halted just as the green flag was to wave. Twenty cop cars hit the track and arrested me for public endangerment. My pleas to the judge went unheeded. I argued that the chances of the forty school kids on each bus of being T-Boned from both sides of the bus during the 10 lap race were remote. Lost all of my buses and spent 150 days as a guest of the county.

I bought a used Air Force 13 aircraft that belonged to the Vice President on eBay. How was I to know it was a glider?

Seems like I get stiffed every time. My house was overrun with mice. I found an Econo-Exterminator (Fastest-Cheapest Service In Town) in the Yellow Pages. Fifteen minutes later a guy on a bicycle shows up holding a ball peen hammer and a paper sack!

I was standing in line at the Salvation Army for a free Thanksgiving turkey and the guy ahead of me got the last one. I did take home the worst case of head lice I have had in the past three years.

Just last week I was bitten by a rabid squirrel. We were fighting over a half-eaten pecan. I got the pecan, a tetanus shot, plus three stitches  AND LOTS OF SHOTS IN THE STOMACH.


Perhaps 2015 will be better. I’ll write a longer letter next Christmas!

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